I knew the Mayans were wrong about December 21st, 2012 being the end of the world because the world already ended after Oprah decided to prematurely put that cash cow The Oprah Winfrey Show out to pasture in the Spring of 2011. It sucks that I haven’t seen her on TV in almost two years because I haven’t seen her in person since 2008, shortly after I housesat for her in Montecito and she confronted me over taking one of her housekeepers home as a souvenir. I was like, “O! What’s the big deal? It took you 4 months to even notice she was gone!” But she held her ground.
The thing I miss the most is her book club, even though I never read any of the selections because, let’s face it, Oprah has shit taste in literature. But that’s precisely why I was so confident my memoir would get picked up. Granted I was a little worried about my ego after she got all holier-than-thou and went postal on James Frey for making exaggerations in A Million Little Pieces because my memoir doesn’t have a factual sentence until Chapter 7, but I figured the followup episode and public laceration would just be more free publicity.
The goal for my memoir is to outsell the Bible, so losing Oprah’s Midas touch is a bit of a setback. Well, I did manage to connect with her on instant messenger and she offered me a bit of a consolation. It went something like this:
OprahGrrl54: I’m really sorry but I made my decision and I’m not reviving The Oprah Winfrey Show. I’m sure you’ll come up with another idea to market your book!
TGAMbyMM86: Please, O! I haven’t come up with a good idea in general since 1996. Name your price. A litter of chocolate Cocker Spaniels? My uncle Julien’s chocolate factory in Brussels? Human sacrifice?
OprahGrrl54: Listen, I’m doing great things on my cable network, OWN. I could give you a special hour-long interview, a behind-the-scenes documentary…or your own reality show!
OprahGrrl54: You still there?
I don’t really remember what happened next except feeling grateful we weren’t on Skype because I would’ve burst out laughing right in her face at “my cable network” and really been in her doghouse then. Doghouse in the figurative sense, that is. Her literal doghouse in Montecito is about 3,600 square feet, so that wouldn’t be all that bad.